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CHRISTIAN DOG

A man lived alone in the countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and the man went to his pastor and said, 'Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?' The pastor replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have service for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the animal; you can go and find out.' Then the man said innocently, 'I'll go right away, Pastor. But do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the burial service?' The Pastor exclaimed, 'Sweet Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian? We definitely have services for all Christians!'



CUNNING OLD WOMAN

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old woman following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, ' I hope I haven't made you uneasy; it's just that you look so much like my late son,' The man answered,'that's okay'. The old woman than said, 'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Goodbye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy'. She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, 'Goodnight, Mum!' The little old woman waved, and smiled back at him.
 Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, the man went to pay for his items. 'That comes to 20,000 Naira,' said the clerk. 'How come so much? I only bought 5 items!' The clerk replied, 'Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too'.

CAN YOU BE THIS FOOLISH?

Migines gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife, Clemsy naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' he askes. "I'm having a heart attack,' cries Clemcy. He rushes downstairs to grab his phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year-old son(Kronkykay) comes up and said, 'Daddy! Uncle Freezy is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!' Migines slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother(Freezy) totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. 'You bastard!!!' say Migines. 'Clemsy is having a heart attack, and all you do is run around the house naked, scaring the kids?'

NOT DADDY
Twins talking inside mother's womb:
TWIN 1: This place is shaking. Daddy's here again. He's early today?
TWIN 2:  Shhh! quiet! that's not daddy; daddy doesn't use raincoat!

FISHERMAN AND SNAKE

A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set it free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.  He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.  The snake went off happy; the frog was happy; and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of his boat. Wtih stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!


NAUGHTY BOY
A boy came down to eat his breakfast in the morning and ask his granny 'where is mummy and daddy?' The granny replied,' They are still up in bed.' The boy laughed and ate his food, and left to play. In the afternoon, he came back to eat his food and asked the same question. The granny answered him with the same answer. He laughed again, ate his food and left to play. In the evening, he came again to eat his dinner and asked the same question again. The granny answered him the same way.. He laughed and was still eating when his granny said, ' why is it that every time I said your mummy and daddy are still up in bed, you start laughing?' The boy replied: 'last night, daddy came to my room looking for vaseline, but I had none. So I gave him SUPERGLUE.'


MINISTER MISSES ROAD
A minister arrived in a small midwestern town to assume his new duties as the church leader. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, the minister thanked him and said, 'If you will come to the church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven'.
'I don't think I'll be there,' the boy said 'You don't even know your way to the post office.'

 WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, 'Good morning boos, Happy Birthday.' And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked at my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday; let's go to lunch; just you and me.'
I said, 'Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard all day. Let's go.'
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country, to a little private place. we had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.' She said,'Let's go to my apartment.'
After arriving at her apartment, she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.' 'Sure,' I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat, on the couch, naked.

THE GODFATHER.
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, 'where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?' The accountant does answer. The Godfather asks again, 'where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?' The attorney interrupts, 'Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interprete for you.' The Godfather says, 'Well, ask him where the three million bucks he embezzled is.' The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the $3million is. The accountant signs back, 'I don't know what you are talking about.' The attorney interpretes to the Godfather,' He doesn't know what you are talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks it and says, 'Ask him again where the $3million is!' The attorney signs to the accountant, 'He wants to know whare it is!' The accountant signs back, ' Okay! Okay! The money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!' The Godfather says, 'Well, what did he say?' The attorney interpretes to the Godfather, 'He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!'.

TWO MORONS
There were these two morons driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. The first moron says, 'Let's stop here and have our picnic under that tree.' The other says, 'No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road.' They fought for a while, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The second moron says, 'See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!'

 CLEVER HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a vanyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, 'Are these pigs relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the husband replied, 'my inlaws.'

HONESTY
A mother and son are walking through a cemetrey, and pass by a headstone in scribed -'Here lies a lawyer and a honest man.' The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother and asks, 'Mummy, why did they bury two men there?'

LOYAL HOUSEMAID
A housewife lost three panties in her bedroom and blamed the housemaid in fron of her husband. The housemaid said, 'Sir, you are my witness. You know I never wear panties!

PORNOGRAPHY
Addressing members of a girls club on pornography, a youths movement leader condemned many films being shown in present day cinema houses.He described the films as immoraland inimical to the moral upbringing of youths. He cited as example the film he watched the previous night and said that the theme was mainly on sex and highlife. He expressed the hope that such films would be banned in the nearest future. At the end of the lecturethe manasked, 'Well, girls,has anyofyougot somequestions toask?' Immediately, two of the girls stood up at the same time and asked,'Please sir, where is the film on show tonight?'

UGLY  FACE
An old woman scolding a child said, 'When I was your age, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would stay like that.' The boy says, ' You continued after the warning.'

COW'S ACCIDENT
A cow once ran into a moving saloon car. It later whispered to its friend, 'That bull I hit is very lazy; just one hit and it dropped dead , vomitting a man it had earlier swallowed!' 

BREAST OPTION
QUESTION: Why do men prefer women's milk to cow's milk?
ANSWER: Because women's milk come in a more attractive container.

TERRIBLE TRAGEDY
A man at a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. A pproaching the friend, he comments,' You look terrible, what's the problem?' ' My mother died in June,' he said, ' and left me $10,000.' 'Gee, that's tough,' he replied. 'Then, in July, the friend continued, ' my father died leaving me $50,000.' 'Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you are depressed.' 'And last month, my aunt died, and left me $15,000.' 'Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.' 'Then, this month,' continued the friend,' nothing! No one died and left me nothing.'

 
A PROSTITUTE'S FUNERAL
At the funeral of a famous prostutue, a man in the crowd says, 'At last the two are finally together'.
Someone asked, 'who?'
The man replied: 'her legs'.

THE MAN AND HIS DOG

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having got the paper work to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the puppy in front of his pants and sneaked him onboard the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a steward noticed the man shaking and quivering. 'Are you okay, sir?' asked the stew. 'yes, I'm fine,' said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning and shaking again. 'Are you sure you are alright sir?' 'Yes,' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.' 'What's wrong? asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'




WHAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY SAID IN COURT.

These are things people actually saidin court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


***************************************************************
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No,I just lie there.
------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: Whay year?
WITNESS: Every year.
------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what way does sit affect your memory?
WITNESS:  I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of what you forgot?

------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: Mrs Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a disposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
-------------------------------------------
ATTOTNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
-----------------------------------------
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
--------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
WITNESS: "No. He was wearing a mask."
ATTORNEY: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
WITNESS: "Er...his face."
-------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: "What happened then?"
WITNESS: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
ATTORNEY: "Did he kill you?"
WITNESS: "No."
-------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
WITNESS: "That's me."
ATTORNEY: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
--------------------------------------

ATTORNEY: And lastly, Gary, all your responses MUST be oral, Ok? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: How old are you?
WITNESS: Oral.

--------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
WITNESS: Four times.
-----------------------------------
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
--------------------------------------
Lawyer: What was the first thing that your husband said when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
--------------------------------------------
Lawyer: How far apart were the two vehicles at the time of the collision?
--------------------------------------------
Lawyer: She has three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?
-------------------------------------------
Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
------------------------------------------
Lawyer: How many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies were performed on dead people.
-----------------------------------------
Attorney: Is it true that when a person sleeps at night, that person does not know what happens around him, literally meaning that he is dead, till he wakes up in the morning?
Witness: Did you pass the bar exam at all?
-----------------------------------------
Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Witness: She is my daughter.
Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13th, 1979?
-------------------------------------------
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognise that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?
-------------------------------------------
Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and she, if she wanted to and were able,  for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, to the station?
Other lawyer: 'Objection. That question should be taken out and shot!'
----------------------------------------------

NEW BORN BABY
A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing - I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the baby in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny finger to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found?

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A birth control pill!

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